somethin's not right

Yea, something's wrong. With me. Pains in odd, and personal, places. Waking up in odd positions and places. It's not passing out really. Maybe it is, but not what I thought of as passing out. Alcohol not involved. Drugs not involved. I seldom drink alcohol and do not do drugs. The intense pains though, really annoying.

how to get smart and retain knowledge

Laughable that I'd even joke of such a thing. I have little knowledge and retain little of what I have. Nevertheless.
You need to read. Read a lot. But more importantly read the right stuff. What's "the right stuff" is up to the reader.
History, law, science, these subjects matter and have far reaching reciprocal value.
Talk to people who are much smarter than you. Do it regularly.
Take a week and spend just an hour a day on a single subject. Anything - Frank Lloyd Wright, local economy, iphone apps of interest, photography, whatever.
But before all that, go to the park. Go to the cemetary and go to the nearest urban downtown. thoughts and silences and snippets of life you'll see there are not quantifiable.

how to write the great american novel

How would I know? If I did, I'd have done it instead of typing that in a blog that no one will ever see. Type "how to write a novel" in a google search. You'll see hundreds of links. Different procedures and methods. Those are all crap. The way to do it is to simply do it. The beauty is the simplicity. First you have to find your voice, your writer's voice. You need to tell the story, but in your writer's voice. How to find the voice? By writing. Just sit and write. Doing so will bring out that voice and eventually the story will come. So simple a moron could do it.

how to get hit in the head with a bike chain

This one's simple. Walk through my front yard, half way to my house, smoking a cigarette, talking loudly on your cell phone at midnight. Then show up an hour later and throw a tomato at my front door. Then come back forty-five minutes later looking for more trouble. That's when I sneak out from the bushes and sling a bike chain at your face. Then your knees, then your back as you begin to crawl away. Consider reading or video games rather than skalking through a peaceful neighborhood.

how to chop onions

This is a fine, elegant procedure. It's more a happening. I like onions okay but the chopping of them is pure romanticism. Best to go with a yellow or red, rather than white. Green are great too but those are much different and more in tune with cutting celery or carrots. So you take said onion. Don't try that quicky cubicle stuff where you cut lengthwise and cut the other way and then chop down, forming diced onions. Peel whatever needs peeled. I usually peel another one or two layers beyond that, but that's just me, I'm special in ways only a mother appreciates. Then off with it's head, if there is one. And be sure to have a nice knife. And a nice plain plate and clean hands and patience and solitude. Bring the knife down in a cutting motion, not chopping. The onion has layers. Respect those layers. Ease into it, without chopping. Cut it fine and thin. After you have three or four slices, cut those in halfsies. Turn plate one-quarter turn and begin cutting in tiny little pizza crescents. The size depends on the dish being prepared. Continue prior steps until done. Lather, rinse, repeat.

how to get stuff you want

This one I dig. You know the easiest way to get something you want? Take it. I'm not talking stealing really, though I'm not not saying it either. But just take it. Fine line between theft and oops?! Just take it.

A great line in a great play/film - I'm paraphrasing here:
Lee: Now all I wanna do is borrow your car.
Austin: No!
Lee: Then I'll just take the damn thing.

See, it's not really stealing, it's taking. I admit, I can't tell the difference, but I know there is one.

Another way is the more common, more civil approach, which is simply asking. Mama always said you don't get what you don't ask for. She also made me often fear the sky might fall though. But it's partially true. "Can I have a little more butter in my popcorn", "Can I have fresh fries, not those sitting under the heat lamp the past two hours since it's 3:00 in the afternoon", "can't you swallow just this once", etc. It's going to work at a reasonable rate - just ask.

Another way is manipulation. Tricking people into giving you what you want. You can use a bunch of ten dollar words and talk quickly and sound like you know what you're talking about, make it sound like you're smarter than them and are just giving them a break. That works if you play it right.

So, there's a few of the many ways to get what you want. More to come.

how to fail

This is a simple one. How to fail? Do nothing. Seriously. It is simple but not as simple as it sounds. You have that little lingering voice in your head - the one in white, telling you to feed and feel and comfort and be good - and to generally do something.

Ignore that voice.

That voice is the voice trying to snuff out failure. So ignore it, and do nothing. Do nothing. How to fail at cleaning a room? Don't do it. How to fail at losing weight? Do not do it.

We'll go in depth later of different types and genres of failure, but this is a simple one. It's really pretty simple to fail. Only not really.